Rollercoasters and Carousels

A huge part of my journey as a professional teacher turned stay at home mom has been deciding if and when I should return to a position in the school.  For the most part, I always believed I would.  I held on to many items from my past teaching experience and I have taken part-time jobs that fueled my desire to eventually return.  This year, I began substitute teaching in the elementary schools where our girls attend.  It has been a very humbling, but great experience for me.  As the year winds down, the district is beginning to post open positions for next year.  Just yesterday there was a position for Reading Specialist at a nearby school posted.  My application is completed and nearly ready to send.  I, however, am SCARED.  In working through my feelings, I decided to conquer my fear by typing out what it is that I am actually scared about. This, I feel may be a productive exercise one way or the other.  As I do so, I must remember Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans for you to prosper and not to harm you."

I seriously have been telling my husband all year that I would love a job like this.  He has encouraged me to apply for it.  At the very least, to explore the option.  So here goes:

Things that are causing me anxiety about applying for this position:

1. I already have a job as a stay at home mother and wife.  I am not clear about how the responsibilities I have here will be spread out and accomplished well if I am not available.
     *What if the kids get sick? Who will take them to appointments?  Who will pick them up if I am not able to?  Who will shop for groceries, and other necessities?  When will we have time to clean up and do laundry and such?

2.  What if my husband's job isn't secure and we need to move?
     *I might take a job and get started in it and then we have to move?  I don't want my job to hold us here either.

3.  What if I get the job and it is over the top crazy and I can't do anything well?

4.  Will I miss key events in my own kid's lives because I am busy with the children of others?

5.  What if I hate the job?  What if I don't like the people I work with or the administration?

6.  What if I get an interview?  I HATE interviews.  They are so stressful.  I would really need to prepare.

7,  What if I have to give up several weeks of summer to be able to accomplish this?  That would be difficult

8.  Working full-time limits our flexibility in being able to leave or take a vacation during the school year.



These are just my initial thoughts.  On the other hand.  I could switch all of these questions around.
When I do that and look at the positive, I see my life having more purpose and me being a happier person.

I think the next step is to just submit the application and ask got for guidance.  I would love for Him to make the decision for me.  I would love for it to be easy.  But I don't think it will be.  I just really want to honor Him either way. And when this is over, if I don't get offered the position, I would love to be able to move on.

I will be praying over this the next few weeks and will come back to update my life soon.

KP

Moving West Moving East

With an abrupt change of plans, we soon discovered that God was opening up other doors for us.  The first one came in the form of my husband's job.  While we were quite happy with his job at Bethel University, he was offered a job at Crown College on the other side of the Twin Cities.  It was a great opportunity for Mike and we prayed over it for several months.  Finally, we knew that God was opening this new door for us and we moved our family to the western city of Minnetrista, MN.  With three small children, it was a delightful place to be raising a family.  We made fantastic friends and were blessed with the very best neighbors one could expect.  Our kids spent evenings and weekends running through the neighborhood with their friends and we loved having fires at our fire pit.  Writing this now makes me extremely homesick for these days.  It is unfortunate that sometimes blessings we have are lost in the moment but realized so much greater after they are gone.

  In 2015, we made our second move.  This time, east, to Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania.  This move comes with risk.  But, I have so much faith in my husband and our God that together, we decided this was worth it. There are times when I feel insecure and lonely, but I still know that God has a plan for us in all of this.  One of the first things I did when I learned we were moving here was apply for my PA teachers license.  After a LOT of paperwork and time and money spent on this process, I have completely transfered my credentials to my new place of residence.  I applied for a few positions last summer with the mindset that I would let God direct my path.  I did interview, but did not receive a job offer with the Cumberland Valley School District where our kids attend school.  I am now a day to day substitute teacher, able to choose my own schedule and on many days bring the girls to and from school with me.  

One might ask why I would want this situation to change...but I still feel a gaping whole in my heart. I feel as if I am not within the will of God.  Like I am not doing what I am called to be doing.  So, I struggle and wrestle with what that thing is.   I don't particularly care to substitute teach, but I don't HATE it either.  I am looking for a place that fits.  Is it my home?  It might be.  I might be trying to fill a space that isn't even empty.  All I know is that it has been a difficult season emotionally for me.  I am searching. The worst part is, I don't know exactly what I am searching for.

After losing my mother three years ago, I am keenly aware of the gift life is.  I don't want to waste it.  I want to use it for His Glory.  

My prayer each day is that He will lead me to His purpose and the He will use me for His Glory.

Amen.

The Lord makes firm the steps

 of the one who delights in him;

 

though he may stumble, he will not fall,

    for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

Psalm 37:23-24

My children recently began binge watching "The Brady Bunch" by my suggestion.  Honestly, I was so tired of the shows found on another popular network and was looking for something a little more wholesome for them to ingest on these long days of winter here in Pennsylvania.  Memories come flooding back to me as I watch the scenes play out for me again on the screen.  This time through my adult eyes.  I notice things I never did before through my innocent, unknowing eyes.  I laugh at things that were not understood as a child.  I long for the days of wholesome television and quite frankly the simple lifestyle that once was.  Life is far more complicated since the days of the Bradys 45 years ago. We are buying the lie that  

we must "have it all" and to "live the dream," yet somehow in all the noise and clatter I lost focus of what that was.  I don't blame it on the media or society.  I am to blame.  For I took my eyes off the cross just a few too many times.  I started to try to gain control of every situation.  Those that have happened, those that are about to happen and those experiences far off in the future... as if I could mitigate what was to come.  

Twelve years ago, I left my beloved career as an elementary educator to take some time to live what I thought would be a simpler life.  It was time to take a break and raise our children.  At that time, our son was the only one present, but I was sure, because I am a planner, that God would provide us with another child.  I hoped for a healthy second child and was granted that request by the birth of our daughter.  Life was exactly what I had planned it to be.  God blessed us with so many great memories, experiences, friends and family to walk alongside us as parents.  I really couldn't have asked for anything better.  I cherish the memories of raising my babies to be the fantastic kids that they are.  They are God-fearing children.  Mostly obedient and kind-hearted.  As time ticked by, I was given the opportunity to complete a Masters of Education at Bethel University during my leave of absence from my job.  With the help of my husband and parents, I completed it and defended my thesis in approximately 26 months.  I was my intent to return to my position having accomplished this, yet God had other plans for me.  In April of 2009, my heart was delighted to know that God wasn't finished with our family yet.  Though slightly shocking at the time, we were blessed with the birth of our second daughter in January of 2010.  This, however, would alter the plans we had made for our lives to the fullest.  From here, we sat back and watched God work.  It was time to hand over the keys.  I would like to say I opened my hands up wide and got into the back seat, but that simply hasn't come naturally for me.  It causes me anxiety and pain and anguish.  This is why I am blogging about it tonight.  I have resolved to let my life be used to His Glory instead of trying to shine the light on me.  I have decided that I will learn to be disciplined in every sense.  

I was young and now I am old,    yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken   or their children begging bread.  They are always generous and lend freely their children will be a blessing.[b]Psalm 37: 25-26